It's Kind of Like Being a Cowboy
by Graballz
Summary: Set after Episode 2x05 "Stung" Dov is a thrill-seeker who got too close to the edge after being in the booby-trapped meth lab. His thoughts and reflections on how he is going to cope and move onward and upward.   NO MENTION OF SUICIDE  Dov-centric.


**Title:** It's Kind of Like Being a Cowboy

**Author:** Graballz

**Summary: ** Set right after Episode 2x05 "Stung" Dov's thoughts and reflections on his actions thus far. Dov-centric.

**Disclaimer: ** I do not own Rookie Blue or any of the characters. I am not affiliated with the show, station, channel, or anything like that. I make no money from this.

_Author's Note: I never thought I'd write something that wasn't McSwarek, but I really feel for Dov after this episode, so here is my attempt to understand/explain his thought process and the motives behind his actions and that sort of thing. Thanks for reading and reviewing._

Dov Epstein sat on the couch in the apartment with his favorite video game, Death Domain, on pause. Chris and Gail had gone with some of the others to the Black Penny for a celebratory drink after shift to toast the successful sting operation headed up by Sam Swarek. An operation that Dov himself had jeopardized by rushing into that abandoned house, eager to prove he deserved the captain's recommendation to the mounted unit. And then he'd screwed up again and needed to be rescued by the bomb squad.

He wasn't going to lie to himself and say that Gail's words in the locker room didn't make him feel good. Actually, they made him feel more confused than anything because he was happy with the tentative peace they had made over her moving in. He thought they had a good love/hate relationship: she loved to insult him and he hated her for it. But for a while now, she had been giving off a different vibe at the end of shift than at the beginning. Every time she looked at him, he had a gut feeling that something about her feelings had changed, but she wasn't forthcoming with them, and he had learned after enough breakups that he didn't always have the best intuition with girls' feelings.

Dov smirked, staring through the television. A year ago, he would have said that Gail wasn't capable of feeling, and now he was overanalyzing everything, trying to figure her out. But then, that was the way he did everything, wasn't it? He jumped in with both feet because it was the only way he knew how to do the job, as he had told her right before they arrested the kid who shot Detective Callaghan.

After shift, everyone had understood when he said he was heading straight home. The interaction between Gail and himself right before Chris walked into the locker room kept playing on his mind and then the conversation with Chris that followed. They had discussed the mounted unit and agreed to go after the things they each wanted, regardless of whether the other one wanted them as well.

Dov wondered if Chris even knew that he could have meant Gail. He was pretty sure she wasn't supposed to be looking at him the way she did because she was with Chris, and he found it odd that any time they were talking and Chris walked up, Gail found an excuse to leave, but then she would come find him again when he was alone. It used to be that if he and Chris were talking, Gail would come up and attempt to make him leave, but now things were different.

'May the best man win.' Chris had been talking about the mounted unit; Dov had been talking about so much more. And that brought Dov back to Chris' comment when he mentioned that he had applied for the unit as well.

_"It's kind of like being a cowboy." _

Granted, Dov didn't have much experience with horses, but he figured city-boy Chris didn't either. If he was honest with himself, being a horse cop sounded cool, but the more he thought about the actual day-to-day work of it, the less appealing it was. He bit his lip, wondering if maybe the only reason he wanted it was to have a fresh start with a new group of training officers who didn't look at him and laugh. He knew his current TO's thought they were hiding it, but after Gail's comment that none of the them wanted to work with him while he was on probation, he started paying more attention.

He saw Shaw smirk behind his hand and exchange knowing glances with Noelle. He saw Noelle roll her eyes, which Swarek found funny because he always got paired with Andy and didn't have to worry about trading the eagerly annoying rookie. He knew deep down that they all cared about him, but the knowledge that he had screwed up three times in less than a month rankled.

Dov always tried to do the right thing, as evidenced by his attempt to protect the domestic abuse victim that got him on probation in the first place. Then when he was finally assigned to work with Swarek (who he didn't want to admit to having a man-crush on, but c'mon, the guy is a legend…who wouldn't have a man-crush on him?) he knew his face was a dead giveaway, which was why that suspect tried to run out of the car dealership.

Then he had jumped at the chance to investigate the guy's tip, which had led them to the growhouse that turned out to be a booby-trapped meth lab. Dov's lip curled in disgust, remembering his own actions. Maybe he made four mistakes, if he were to count the trip wire that fired a shotgun into the doorframe where his temple would have been, had Chris not thrown them both to the floor. He owed his life to Chris for that, and how did he repay him? By stepping on an IED and endangering them both. He should have crawled backwards out of the room, but no, he wanted to be the hero. He wanted to take a quick look around, knowing that there could have been more booby-traps, because he wanted to be able to take the credit for a meth lab bust.

And look where it got him. Hours of standing still in the middle of the crime scene with plenty of time to think about his mistakes and the potentially fatal consequences of his blind enthusiasm. And for a thrill-seeker, standing still is just about the worst punishment there was. He would have gladly taken six months of probation if it meant he hadn't triggered the IED. And then the bomb squad girl, Sue, had been really nice and really sweet and really pretty, and under any other circumstances, Dov would have let his pumped-up male ego take over, and he would have made a fool of himself in front of her, but at least he would have felt like a man doing it.

As it was, she looked him straight in the face as he was trying not to break down and cry, and she pityingly held his hand and saved his life. That was her job, after all, but the fact that she was so nice about it just made Dov want to crawl away and…well, not die, but just crawl away and hide. She kept insisting that they should have coffee, and he knew he owed her that, at least. He might have even been interested, until Gail showed up in the locker room to hit him and act angry that he almost died.

That was the one thing that might stop him, though, because he knew very well how closely he had flirted with the Grim Reaper, and thrill-seeker though he was, that was a little too close for comfort. She had acted angry at him and then stalked out before he could get to the bottom of it, but she could be so dramatic at times, and that was one thing for which Dov had no patience. That was one of the things that drove him up the wall about Gail. Chris, on the other hand, accepted her drama and enabled it, even. Instead of standing up to her about moving in (and backing up Dov on that), he cowered to her, which was why she now lived with them, though not that Dov was complaining any longer.

Dov wanted to be the rescuer, and Gail was independent enough not to need rescuing. And while Sue probably didn't need rescuing either, Dov would have been intrigued, except that Gail was sending him mixed signals. Chris was his best friend. Dov knew he wouldn't betray his best friend like that, but he knew that he wouldn't have put it past the old Gail to try something. The new Gail was still something of an enigma because she was the old Gail, with a slightly softer side. Every time he expected her to react one way (generally cold-hearted or bitchy), that was when she pulled out her sensitivity and vulnerability, and every time he anticipated warm fuzzies from her, she ran him through with her razor-sharp wit. He hoped that she wouldn't cheat on Chris, but the fact that there was even doubt in his mind was screaming, "RED FLAG" to his conscience.

And that was the other reason why maybe he needed to just get out and start over with the mounted unit. If he wasn't around as much, then Gail would stop being weird and confusing him and go back to just being with Chris. He would miss working with them, of course, but they had each other, and Traci and Andy had each other. He had always been the odd, intense kid growing up, and while he felt like he belonged in Division 15, the fact that the other four rookies had paired off and he was once again the odd man out brought up old insecurities.

Not to mention that if he could just start out with a clean slate, then he wouldn't make the same mistakes he did as a rookie. Dov knew he was more mature than he was a year ago, but he had the sneaking suspicion that Shaw, Noelle, Swarek, and even Best would always look at him and see the young, eager-beaver cop who got himself into messes that he needed help getting out of. Dov loved his job and thought he did it well, which was confirmed when he saluted the two young black boys who had 'helped' him take down a suspect by shooting him with a slingshot.

Dov realized it was still in the pocket of his jacket, which was thrown over the back of the couch because Gail wasn't around to yell at him to hang it up. He pulled it out and turned it over, examining it with a bittersweet smile. He had confiscated it, and he knew the boys were disappointed, which was why he spoke up again and saluted them, thanking them for their help. He saw the way their eyes lit up because they were at the age where cops were to be admired and respected. He wondered if perhaps he would meet them again under different circumstances in ten years: they as school-dropout gang bangers who had long lost their respect for law enforcement and he as a streetwise veteran cop who trained new batches of rookies all the time.

He snorted, setting the slingshot on the couch next to him and picking up the video game controller once more. He should be so lucky as to make it to the status of "full-fledged" officer, let alone staying on the force for ten years. For the two boys' sakes, though, he hoped they would have the sense to stay in school, stay out of trouble, and do something good with their lives. Given that they lived below the poverty line, "the ghettos" as Noelle had called it, Dov didn't hold out much hope for them, but there was always a chance.

Then it clicked.

That applied to him too.

He had been given another chance. Another chance at life, a chance at a promotion to the mounted unit (if he still wanted it), and even a chance at love, be it bomb-squad-coffee-girl Sue or psycho-albino Gail , post-Chris. He always tried to do the right thing, which was a lot more than he could say for the jerks who became cops so they could bully people and lord their power over anyone weaker. He didn't deserve half the shit that was thrown his way, but Dov Epstein was a fighter and a survivor. As he babbled to Sue, 'Dov' meant 'bear' in Hebrew, and though the rookie wasn't exactly a mountain of muscle like a bear, he was, at heart, a good man, a good person, and a good cop. He would hold his head up in the face of injustice and unfairness, and he would rise above.

Maybe he would get a shot at the mounted unit; maybe not. Dov smiled for real this time and flexed his thumbs, feeling a renewed sense of purpose wash over him. He heard keys in the door, which made him grin. He would challenge Gail to a Death Domain rematch, which he would most definitely win because he was awesome. Dov thought he had a new slogan for Best: Serve, protect, and don't be a cowboy. He would tell the captain the next time they were at the station. Now, though, it was time to win his gaming title back.

FIN


End file.
